


Masquerade

by Mother_North



Series: Heartache [6]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst and Feels, FAOI 2019, Flashbacks, M/M, POV First Person, Post-Break Up, Song Lyrics, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 18:56:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19025929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mother_North/pseuds/Mother_North
Summary: Javier is watching Yuzuru perform Masquerade.





	Masquerade

**Author's Note:**

> Translation of the song lyrics (in italics) by Toshl is done by @VentusCantabile. The lyrics of the song are used in the text in reverse order consciously.  
> RPF disclaimer: this is a work of fiction and it is not meant to offend anyone. It is a product of author’s imagination only. All thoughts, actions and emotions described below have nothing to do with reality.

**

 

From the end toward the new beginnings

 

_The miracle of moonlight_

_Spill on your palms_

_To become happy_

_Like a deep tone_

_To be young and hopeful_

 

Lights from above are scorching, reflected in the smooth expanse of the ice. They are painting it dark blood-red – spilled for everyone to see. The audience gasps when you tear the mask down, baring your very soul. It is painful to watch you strip yourself of all of the defenses. Somehow it feels almost intimate, an intrusion into something not supposed to be seen by anyone.

I blink: once, twice. I catch myself thinking that you are more blinding than the lights. Red moon is rising to claim its harvest of conquered hearts. You are too powerful for the small ice-show rink to contain – the ferocity, the abandon, the sheer power of your movements. Was I blessed or cursed? To know what it feels like having you in my arms, writhing and burning. You were always able to make me yours and yours only. I could never refuse you, even when you turned away, your dreams calling you to unfathomable new heights.

I realized I had to be sacrificed but it didn’t make me ready in the slightest for watching your own self-sacrifice unfolding itself in front of my eyes right now.

You. Pain. Beauty.

 

_The memories dance_

_Flowing hot thoughts_

_Causing the mask to melt_

 

You are bathed in perspiration, clinging to me for dear life. I can still feel your heavy breathing ghosting my lips. Phantom pains from the past. Lost opportunities are gnawing at me at nights; lying wide awake and staring into nothingness. I can see your porcelain face – not a single crack to be found in the mask. The smoothness is deceptive to the touch. You can scar and you can scorch. I am tracing my dry lips swiftly with the merest touch of my fingertips, as I keep on watching you transfixed and helpless.

You are weaving your intricate dark spells on the ice.

 

_I want to return_

_Although it’s fine as it is_

_To my bare, open face_

_Masquerade_

 

You. Life. Death.

Toshl’s voice seems to pierce you to the core, you are in the zone. I have rarely seen such ferociousness poured into each gesture and movement. Your ina bauer looks nothing short of desperate as you are arching your back beautifully, as if begging for a touch of a lover or… a killer.

There is darkness lurking beneath the surface. It has always been this way. I loved to stare at its depths, even though it threatened to consume me.

You. Red. Black.

 

_Cruelly distorted_

_Masquerade_

_Redemption from heartlessness_

_Masquerade_

_Truth of courage_

 

The contrasts and contradictions are what you are made of. I remember asking you once what the source of your endless drive was, where the constant desire to challenge yourself further came from. How was it possible that such fire was contained in your delicate form..? You smiled mysteriously, pale hand sliding over my naked torso, breaking my skin into a string of goosebumps, as I shivered involuntarily: the twist of your plush lips, the trembling of your sable eyelashes. You bit into my lower lip hard enough to draw blood and I tasted characteristic iron-copper. Your crimson mouth claimed mine – aggressive and domineering. You looked possessed back then, in exactly the same way you do now, out there on the rink while performing.

I threaded my fingers through your moist hair, pulling harshly. I still needed to hear the answer, I demanded it. You were staring me down, a defiant smirk on your perfect lips making my blood boil. Your short nails were scratching the side of my neck, to leave marks – tainted touches of corruption and self-proclaimed ownership.

I chased them and despised myself for wanting you so badly.

“Power,” thin lips crooking, as you whispered the word into my sweaty skin.

 

_The mask of fate covers_

_Such that your naked face is forgotten_

_Mysteriously dreaming_

_Playing brilliantly_

 

You. Secret. Intoxication.

I used to lose myself in you entirely. On the sweat-drenched sheets, prostrated and defeated. You laughed in my face – unhinged, unguarded and wild. I basked in the feeling of your closeness, no matter how fleeting, no matter how whimsical and twisted. The way your smile lighted up your whole countenance, the tenderest hue of rose creeping up your long neck to touch the smoothness of your cheeks. I saw galaxies spiral in the bottomless pit of your dark eyes. I thought I could see your true self unfold in my needy embrace, beneath me, as we were moving in sync like two powerful waves crashing against each other to rise up higher and higher.

I was wrong.

You. Blaze. Gravity.

 

_Loneliness and sadness_

_Nobody can see_

_The spirits of the forest are stained in a dark colour_

_Like you_

 

You hated me for taking you apart because it showed how vulnerable you could actually be. The quivering of your lips as I was moving deep inside you, my powerful thrusts filling you, hushed unintelligible words spilling from your mouth. You cursed and praised me in equal proportions, reaching for my soul. I imprinted images of you at the back of my eyelids and your sweet scent seemingly got under my skin; it is there to stay to haunt me and to torture me perpetually.

I see your hand closing around your throat in a fleeting gesture and I inhale shakily. I still remember acutely your constricting tightness and gasping breaths, choked sobs and quiet whimpers.

You drowned your fear of loneliness in me and I was eager to let you to, regardless of what it might take.

 

_Tears of blood_

_Shining in silver_

_Piercing through the mask_

_Masquerade_

 

You. Desired. Unreachable.

The tears of blood are not yours, they are mine and I do not regret a single one of them. I cherish the memories you have left at your wake even though I am positively ruined for all others who are to follow. An overwhelming want to touch you is nearly smothering, rising in my chest – too hot and real. I may kiss other woman, having her in my arms but she is not you. I may think I can move on but there are still traces of you in my veins.

I close my eyes simply not to see for the briefest of moments and then I am blinded again.

The rhinestones on your minimalistic costume shine in the darkness dimly: wine red and pitch-black. It is always about the duality when it comes to you. I tried to get to your core; I tried to uncover and to unveil. There are thousands of masks – sophisticated and immaculate, for you to play with and for you to suffer from. I was ready to help you escape, had you only let me to.

Too bad the days are long gone, chances wasted.

I watch you slam the glove into the hard ice, excitement running through me like an electric current. You are heaving – a pale demon to reduce enemies to ashes with the blazing heat of your black eyes. My heart is thumping wildly in my throat, as I am clapping mechanically, void of all emotions, burnt to the ground by what I have just witnessed.

I was madly in love with the illusion of having you.

You bow down gracefully.

You. Trapped. In.

_A solitary masquerade_

 

**


End file.
